The Insensitive Advantage

I'm thinking insensitive people have some big advantages going for them:

- There are less factors that they take in to consideration before they make a decision - which leads to more action. Sometimes taking action, even if it is not the #1 best option, beats paralysis-by-analysis and no action.

- They are bound by less social rules and etiquette (the degree depends on how insensitive they are) so they have less internal restrictions in doing what they want.

- They are less aware of how other people feel and how their actions affect others - less restriction to do what they want.

- They're not aware and therefore unaffected by how others see them - they can do what they want.

Disadvantage is that they can tick people off and in extreme cases be seen as a jerk or prick. Advantage is that the insensitive one doesn't realize other's see him that way and therefore it causes no mental unrest for them. This is only disadvantage when others treat them less favorably then people they like.

Maybe sensitive people can learn to "dumb down" (perhaps "numb down" is a better term) and free themselves from excessive thinking and worrying about social rules and hurting other people and give themselves the "insensitive advantage"

(Time + Space) or Quality of Environment?

I've always been curious of why my energy levels raise and when they fall. At certain times my positive energy is just overflowing and I'm able to operate with amazing clarity and focus. At other times, I feel totally drained and my brain goes on a negative death spiral.

One of the factors is definitely my state of health: how much sleep I had the previous night; (perhaps more importantly) the quality of sleep; how my diet has been; exercise.

However, despite getting all the health factors rights, I still experience ups and downs. These usually occur in certain patterns:

High energy/clarity - early morning, late evening, in clean and organized spaces, outdoors

Low energy/clarity - mid morning, mid afternoon, late afternoon/evening time (this one is killer), around clutter, noisy environments

There are probably a lot of information out there on our bodies' "clocks" and all the different types of rhythms and patterns... but as I look through my list I notice it is not so much the time or space but the fulfillment of a few requirements by the nature of my personality.

* I have most energy when it is relatively quiet (early morning/night)

* I have most energy when I can accept the place as is instead of struggling mentally to want to change it - this means having things organized at home or being in spaces where I accept not being able to change it (friend's place, store, etc) Interesting that at night i see my place less clearly so I am able to overlook any mess and focus fully on task at hand

* loud environments sap the brain juice out of me (afternoons filled with commute sounds, loud parties/events/people) For things that take no brain like sporting events or action movies loud is alright with me.

To maximize energy levels I need to spend most of my day in high quality (for me) environments: low noise levels (sonic) and low noise levels (mental unorganized-ness)

Of course, being in low-quality environments can't be helped (the dreaded afternoon commuting hours) At these times I should give up on trying to do anything requiring intense focus and do more "dumb" tasks like house chores or go walk the dog.

The 4-year cycle

High school: 4 years growing from young punks who think they know everything to taller young punks who they they know even more...

College: Starting to get more serous... thinking of picking the right major and getting the right internships and setting path for the perfect rest of your life... still developing sense of self (unless if they're too busy getting drunk)

1st 4 years of work:

What is the first 4-year cycle since graduating college suppose to be? The "worse" and "best" time of your life is supposed to over already (high school and college) It is hard to remember but I think my image of this time period is one where you're working hard, exploring different things, still only semi-responsible and having fun, and exploring what you want to do with your life.

Looking at my friends I see two main groups: those who pretty much stuck with the job they studied for and those who switched from different things or are working while applying to Grad school.

Those sticking with the same job have moments of excitement and freshness as they progress or are given more responsibilities. Ultimately it sounds like it is a boring and dreadful fate as they'll likely continue on the same path for 30+ years (probably not at the same company, but doing the same type of work)

Those moving around either have more exciting experiences from change or freedom from doing less-demanding non-career jobs as they aim towards grad school or other continuing programs. This too brings with it hope of a better future.. either being immersed in studying and learning about the topic they love (or love for the $$$ it's suppose to bring) and gaining a degree or certificate that would open up more doors for them.

I think the defining trait of this period is that there is no certain path or guidance. In high school you have a schedule and your attendance is held accountable. In college you have more freedom but you still have the majors and subjects and curriculum to keep you "on track" Once you leave into the real world there isn't anyone to hold your hands anymore. Each path you choose is up to you to discern and the consequences fall squarely on you.

There are amazing opportunities to be taken due to the relative lack of responsibilities such as family to support, home payments, etc... yet that is easily crushed by looming questions about savings, job security, health care, making rent, and so on.

This time kind of sucks - but when I think about it life kind of sucks, and it could easily be a lot worse (why am I sitting comfortably in my room sipping on juice and typing on computer when some people don't even have access to clean water?- I should just shut up but I don't think I will)

Time flies and this June will mark the 4-year cycle since I've graduated. Typing it out it sounds like it passed too soon; yet thinking about all the experiences I've had it seems like a long time. Have I grown wiser? Am I a better person? Are my dreams and hopes crushed by the pressures of the real world or have I always crumbled like this under academic pressure, only I don't remember it? So many questions but I don't think they are meant to be answered... life just kind of passes and you wonder about the same things in a slightly different way at each stage of your life.

Natural Energy levels and Natural Interests

I wonder if our energy profile fits with that of our natural interests. A person who naturally enjoys reading in solitude would have lower energy levels. A person who prefers something more active and thrilling would have higher energy levels.

It would be terrible to be the person who thirst for adventure only to find themselves stuck on the couch because they are too tired from work, or the over-hyper person who wants to be able to enjoy fishing or bird-watching.

Or maybe we've settled on our interests based on our energy levels. I'm always tired but thats ok, I seem to like less intense stuff, and often I like to be by myself (or with my pets)

Night of Darkness: Morning Light

A few years ago I did some searching and found the name of an event that occurs time and time again: Hour of the Wolf.

This is when all your fears and worries grow exponentially and threaten your very sanity and survival. You lie crumpled up but sleep doesn't come to deliver you. You can try to defend yourself using logic and intelligence but it is no match for the overwhelming emotions and panic.

Funny I actually found this term from a fitness site editorial. For a good read on the topic go here. (pg-13)

The amazing thing is when morning comes... the fears shrivel back to their normal self and everything doesn't seem so bad.

Maybe this is our unconscious self's way to give us a kick-in-the=pants and get us to tackle some of the problems that we face in our lives. Maybe it is a push in the back to get ourselves out of a bad situation that we've just given into.

Post while I am Sick and Tired (no, really)

some random post I started writing... getting sick and tired but managed to take some photos somehow..
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Combination of work and getting sick and dark weather is keeping energy levels down. Tonight felt especially bad... so tired and unable to muster excitement to do much.

Is this life? Slaving away at work just so you can plop home, feel like garbage, think about how you can escape someday when only you have more time and energy to exit the gravitational pull?

People w/o work are probably stuck in a different cycle, but likewise feel like garbage.

Somehow I managed to get the camera out and took a few pics. More surprisingly still I wasn't too lazy to actually upload the pictures, process, and upload them. Now I'm even writing this long "Description".


What is it that you like to do... I guess I llike taking pictures of abstract stuff.... it makes me happy even if no one else likes it. If the secret is just to spend a lot of time doing things you like, why is it so hard?

Asylum Escape - Leaving the Horror of Work Behind - Part 1

Past models of looking at my job as a job served me well. My work didn't define who I was and I itched to get out of work so I could spend time with people and do things that were meaningful and rewarding for me. Fast forward to the 2 year mark and I find my self not only stalling, but falling. Somewhere along the line I lost the enjoyment of time away and I started looking at my job as a career.

My boss, along with most of my leads, customers, co-workers are go getters. My boss always talks about and gives tips to increase your visibility and to increase your influence and skills to get yourself to manager. It seems like everyone around me itches to move up and be important and one day be managers. I'm never good at lying and I've always told my managers I don't want to move in management path; I just want to do my job, avoid the drama and politics, and go home after my 40 hours.

Well, as the first paragraph says, somewhere I got caught up in other people's ambition and the unspoken social pressure to stay long hours and to do things that wasn't me. It was a downward spiral because as I started spending more time at work the more I was in that environment which pressures me to work more which exposes me to the environment even more!

When you are in midst of a miserable situation often you just focus on your own stress. I think most of us have a voice in our head that enjoys beating ourselves down more and more by only noticing how other people seems to be always happy and devoid of all the crap that we go through. I just notice how everyone else seems to be doing so well and handling everything so effortlessly... why do they seem so natural in the stupid corporate system?

I believe for everyone there is a comfort zone, outside-your-comfort-zone-but-constructive zone, and "what the heck are you thinking?!?" zone. It is good to push yourself and be pushed outside of comfort zone to test your boundaries and to grow. However, when the new limits don't seem to get more natural but instead drives you lower and lower, it is time to evaluate and perhaps conclude that it isn't for you. Cows weren't made to fly and Pigeons weren't made to provide milk for human mass consumption. Gotta find your strengths - which will naturally feel good and open up positive energy for you (thats as far East as I'll go)

I've been laying low and trying hard to stay away from the drama and controversy at work... scratch that, I've always done so but felt guilty that I'm not buying into the team and career perspective more. I sure do feel a lot better though and have many more moments where I find myself lost in work - in a good way!

Freeing myself from other people's dreams and goals also allowed me to see things from my perspective again. I noticed how other people are frustrated, overwhelmed, and feels out of control too (actually many of them are worse that I was even when I was down : o I saw an email from my master project manager sent 6am on Sunday morning. I was joking with her about it and she admitted there was some big development that was up in the air and she couldn't sleep all night.. end up getting up early and working. Another girl that was promoted recently is now stuck in a lot of meetings and required to status a lot of things. Her hours have also increased.

Me? I've been pretty productive and I've left early these last two days. Not by much but when you consider most people stay 30 -60 mins extra thats a great start. When I leave the building I have the biggest smile on my face. It is especially big when I leave before other people AND I know I've done al that I can do for the day.

First part of escaping the horror of my work is to break myself out of an unnatural view (for me) of work and shifting back to my natural perspective on it. The next part in this installment probably will deal with actually how to do the work and be able to leave on time.